i used to be jact.lift.weights. six feet, two-fifteen, seven percent body-fat… bdus. i used to think that i was elbadass. mountainbiking down jagged cliff faces on thursdays and jump out of planes after stepping out of exotic cars and driving… big trucks. im currenty realizing that this whole time
people have been beating the shit out of each other or training to do this. beating the shit out of other people.
here i am… throwing the weights around looking at my dick in the mirror. i am pretty sure joe saw me working out at powerhouse in tempe. i was wearing woodland bdus and a pantera or slayer or zombie tshirt… wearing a bandana on my bald head. and one over the rest of my face. sunglasses on.
i wonder if i made an impression.
i thought i was a pretty cool human at the time. post 911 delusional american lost in life in wow what a wake up. society submersed in big screen HDTVs smartphones high-end desktop workstation graphics in major motion pictures. wide area motion imagery techtonic surveillance aggregate data compilation sytem structures and pancakes. college was something else. and the whole time … the whole time people are beating the shit out of people. competitively. i see now how little i have seen. hold it together.
elbadass went to school to learn how to make video games. the oversaturation of institutional instruction of this technology began after leaving. the service. i joined the army for college money… and hoped to do some cool stuff. but most of all… the woodland bdus [battledressuniform]. i wore them before i went in while i was in and years after i got out… but apparently thats something i wont ever be doing again. unless you’ve got a pair. please, excuse me. i get sidetracked often and realized that it’s just easier to roll with it. i’ve got a creative license.
i was never actually able to visualize killing a person… with this gun. and these bullets. or that the reality in front of me could possibly be a real situation. it’s still hard to imagine. i mean, i could… if i actually concentrated on it buddha.
the point being, i’m not sure i am okay with killing people [sic] i just liked the bdus. and they paid for college. so, i had that going for me. and college was wow. i got the bachelors degree jumped out of smaller planes from higher up and now i needed to start my career in the industry… which never happened. i think this makes me a loser [and so does melanie]. and broke.
i took out school loans while working allnighters so i could afford five new thirty-seven inch tires for my big white mexican drug-smuggling truck every thirty thousand miles and recreational sand vehicles on holidays. was it the wisest thing? depends on perspective.
see… i was pretty sure that i was going to be responsible for the development of THE killer driver shooter videogame for jact adrenaline-junkies just like me between the ages of fifteen and forty-five. graphics were getting better. tvs were getting bigger. nextgen consoles were in everyones home. the acid was kicking in. this was perfect timing. i love it when a plan comes together. this plan didn’t.
back to the army. i support our troops… with magnetic yellow ribbons and anonymous spankmag maildrops. i support them for two reasons. in my life at that time there was never before and most likely never will be a stronger bond between a group of men mindset and that i have only trained for what these humans do with these groups of men. intense is not a superlative enough descriptor for some of these moments. i was blessed to be among the living.
though… these groups of men remain governed by other people. people in suits. clown suits that control you too. you just don’t know it yet. flick your bean. loungin’around eating buttered lobsters and whatever sparkly beverage tickles your balls. forced-induction corporate political hegemony. welcome to the slave machine.